Here we are yet again, reader(s); another Sunday is fast approaching and that can mean only one thing: it’s time to make the best, most sophisticated weekly picks on the entire interwebs. Last week upsets were plentiful, and many of the so-called “experts” were lucky to have gone 8-8. Well, not this buckaroo; I managed a 10-6 overall record… roughly the equivalent of going 13-3 over the course of a “normal” NFL weekend. Or the equivalent of me banging your somewhat hot girlfriend and getting away with it scott-free. Not that I did, brah.
So, the king has returned to leave another indelible, startling mark on the history of the inter-highway. Rejoice. And for heaven’s sake don’t disagree; that would just be buffoonery! To the picks!
Cincinnati at Carolina
Boy, the Matt Moore experiment sure didn’t last very long… and to make matters worse, the Carolina Panthers aren’t running the ball nearly as well as they had in years gone by. Good thing I only drafted BOTH OF THEM in my two fantasy football leagues… good thing. While I question the logic of going with Jimmy Clausen so early on in his career, it’s undeniably more exciting to see what flashes Clausen might show us over the course of the season, because let’s get real-the Panthers aren’t gonna do much winning this year regardless. As for Clausen, just because he may be the most NFL ready QB from last year’s draft doesn’t mean he’ll be the best; just ask Mr. A.J. Hawk how that can be. Still, as a fan I would much rather watch Clausen lose than Matt Moore. This weekend will be the first of many times we fans get to see exactly that. Cincinnati 23-19 and one wilted Jimmy Clausen flat top.
San Francisco at Kansas City
San Francisco showed flashes of becoming the darling the media made them into during the offseason last week, but they still found a way to pry defeat from the jaws of victory in a hotly contested Monday night game. Despite playing sloppy, turnover prone football, the 49ers still managed to show that they have a talented defense and a top tier running game at the core of their offensive scheme. They will look to emphasize these assets and minimize the mistakes moving forward this season, and will find success in doing so, at least for one game, against the surprising 2-0 Chiefs. San Francisco 27-21 and one pass thrown all game.
Buffalo at New England
Picks don’t really get easier than this one. Buffalo might be the worst team in the NFL, and they have to play this game IN New England. Brutal. The Patriots aren’t the dynasty Pats of the mid-00s, but they are still legit contenders in a stacked AFC. Also, if someone wanted to tell me the name of the bum the Patriots are starting at RB these days that would be great. New England 38-13 and one thousand people in the stands at Foxboro who could start at HB for the Pats.
Tennessee at NY Giants
Here we are the first interesting matchup of the weekend. These two teams are extraordinarily even when you compare their overall talent and long term aspirations for this season. Both are teams that should compete for a playoff spot, but are not even a lock to go .500 this year. Each had their respective hands full last week, with the Giants being trounced by a far better Colts squad, and the Titans getting stifled by the ever-terrifying Pittsburgh defense. Things seem to be more out of sync in Tennessee, however, with the questionable benching of late game all-pro Vince Young for a guy who played against Reggie White 100 years ago. Chris Johnson was embarrassed last week, and is probably due for a big rebound game against the Giants, but New York’s Eli Manning is gonna be the deciding factor in this one. The Giants, no longer a running team, will lean on Eli and he will not disappoint. New York 24-21 and two teams still unsure about their playoff chances.
Cleveland at Baltimore
Ah, the old Browns vs. the new Browns, otherwise known as the most humiliating loss Cleveland can more-or-less pencil in twice every season. I’m an unabashed Packers fan, and I think Mike Holmgren is eventually gonna do some good things for the Browns organization… but that’s big picture stuff. This year is gonna be like practically every year before it for the Browns; filled with disappointment and another loss to the Ravens. Baltimore 24-13 and only one Ray Lewis bear related incident.
Dallas at Houston
This may be the biggest matchup of the weekend. Texas’s undisputed number one against the red hot, red headed stepchild of the lone star state, and at this early of a juncture in the season the stakes could not be higher. Not since Wade Phillips’s daddy Bum Phillips was coaching in Houston with the Oilers have both Texas teams been considered real contenders. Of course, if the Cowboys lose this game that contender title goes right out the window. The Texans just have that look too, don’t they? They are the real deal, and if Matt Schaub stays healthy, they are a team that can go deep in the playoffs. The Cowboys are a unit so bloated with talent that it seems to be sinking them right to the bottom of the briny deep. I have no clue what to make of the Cowboys at this point; my gut says one thing and my head another, but for now I’m going to pretend I’m George W. Bush and let my gut do the talking. I think the Cowboys are still going to make the playoffs, and in spite of every logical reason why the Cowboys will lose Sunday… I’m taking the Cowboys. Dallas 28-24 and one disappointed blogger when he finds out he’s not “the decider”.
Detroit at Minnesota
Maybe in another world, in some fantastical place where American manufacturing was never murdered by outsourcing and the evil in the heart of every CEO, the Detroit Lions would be 2-0 right now. Brett Favre would be relegated to a tractor in Cootersville, Mississippi, and the once mighty Vikings would be handed their third straight loss at the hands of Matthew Stafford and a cybernetic Barry Sanders. This is not that world… Minnesota 27-17 and one more season of tragedy set to the backdrop of abject poverty.
Atlanta at New Orleans
I’m not as down on the Falcons as Mr. Troy Lightner is, but they are gonna have to do a lot more to live up to the expectations placed on them as a supposed playoff caliber team. This is not a good match up for the Falcons in which to do that. The Saints have looked a bit flat over the first two weeks, but they are still finding ways to win, and they are still more chock full of talent than all but a handful of NFL teams. It’s unfortunate the Falcons have to play this game in the Superdome; otherwise, they’d have a real shot at winning. New Orleans 28-23 and one last chance for Matt Ryan to show me he’s better than Joe Flacco.
Pittsburgh at Tampa Bay
You know what would be ridiculously funny. If the Buccaneers somehow turned out to be a legit 2-0 and beat the Steelers just to tell us so. Unfortunately, for an improved Tampa team, the Pittsburgh Steelers look to be genuine contenders-and that is without Ben Roethlisberger. Maybe Troy Polamalu is that big of a catalyst in the team being great. Pittsburgh 19-13 and one spectacular head of hair.
Philadelphia at Jacksonville
This is another game where my head is telling me one thing, and me heart is telling me something completely different. I think Reid’s decision to start Mike Vick was absolutely 100% the right decision to have made, and I think the Eagles are hands down a better team than the Jacksonville Jaguars. Michael Vick gives the Eagles the best chance at winning right now and making the playoffs, there is no question about that fact. Yet, something holds me back from making the smart decision here and going with the marginally favored Eagles. I’m not gonna start listening to my head now, however, and in fact haven’t consulted with my brain once during the writing of this entire article. Jacksonville 21-20 and one hundred Vick rushing yards seen by all two hundred Jaguars fan.
Washington at St. Louis
Listening to Bob and Tom do their picks on Friday morning, some random old lady who knows nothing about football picked St. Louis to beat the Redskins. It was her most emphatic pick. The Redskins look so good, but I’m hitching myself to granny’s wagon, baby. St Louis 16-14 and two fools disappointed that they picked wrong come Monday morning.
Oakland at Arizona
I was just as big on Jason Campbell as anyone was. I thought he was gonna come to Oakland and give the Raiders something they haven’t had since the days of Rich Gannon, a talented QB capable of leading his team to winning seasons. Now some Polish journeyman QB is at the helm, squaring off with another team hopping wonder-Derek “remember 2007, fellers?!” Anderson. Who’s the better journeyman? The real question is who the hell outside of these two respective cities care. These are two teams going in opposite directions, with Oakland getting a little better and the Cardinals getting markedly worse. I predict that that trend will carry over and manifest itself in this game with a Raiders’ victory. Oakland 20-17 and one can still listen closely to hear the ghostly sobs of Matt Leinart faintly escaping from the Cardinals locker room.
San Diego at Seattle
Last week I went on about how well I think Pete Carroll will do in his return to professional coaching, and about how much I like the way the future looks for the Seahawks. I stand by all of that. Disastrously enough for Seattle… we live life in the present. Currently the San Diego Super Chargers are as talented as the Seahawks are mediocre and unimpressive. That spells trouble this week for King Rah-Rah and his old, bald QB Matt Hasselbeck. San Diego 28-14 and one too many Pete Carroll butt slaps for comfort.
Indianapolis at Denver
Wow, what happened last week, Troy? Manning Bowl II was a ridiculously one-sided affair that you came out on the losing end of in every single way. I liked the boldness of such a pick, after all, we both went out on limbs for New York last week (me for the Jets, Troy for the Giants) and I could have just as easily ended up looking every bit the moron, but I’ll take it where I can get it. Indianapolis handled the Giants exactly as I said they would, after coming off a terrible showing against the sensational Texans. This week Indy’s priority is gonna be getting the show on the road, as in doing what the Colts do best; rack up consistent victories and prepare themselves for crushing disappointment in the post season. It certainly doesn’t help that the Denver Broncos are going to be without Knowshon Moreno for this game. Indianapolis 31-17 and one Tim Tebow run around the right tackle… for no gain.
NY Jets at Miami
How about them New York Jets, ladies and gentlemen? Aside from making me look like a football pickin’ genius, the New York Jets showed last week that perhaps all that talk about being serious contenders wasn’t completely hot air. They not only beat a superbly talented Patriots team, they did it mostly without the help of Cornerback extraordinaire Darrell Revis. Mark Sanchez played as well as he ever has and the Jets offense got moving for the first time all year (preseason included). That was last week, however; and one great game does not a season make. A good bit has changed for the Jets since then; the Braylon Edwards controversy has to be a distraction, not to mention they are facing off with a Miami team who look to keep winning all year. And don’t forget, if the Jets are going to make it two in a row they are going to have to do it without Revis again this week. Like last season, I believe it’s gonna be another up and down, back and forth sort of year for New York, ending with either a playoff run or narrowly missing the playoffs. After an enormous victory last week, the NY Jets are ripe for disappointment. Miami 20-16 and three post game eff bombs from Rex Ryan.
Green Bay at Chicago
Yet another matchup that has me torn. The Green Bay Packers are hands down the better team, sure, but the most storied rivalry in NFL history can always go either way. In the Lovie Smith era, the Packers have only beaten the Bears 3 or 4 times (google it yourself dammit!). In addition, I have no clue what to make of Chicago. Are they a good, playoff caliber team, or are they a squad that has overachieved for two straight weeks (including stealing a win from Detroit) and due for a hard fall against a superior Packer team? It is incredibly hard to say either way at this point. This pick is the only one where I’m going to go with my head over my gut. All obvious signs point to a Green Bay victory, and in this case, I am going to heed those signs. But I do so reluctantly; it’s only my extreme love for the Packers that will allow me to go against my instincts on this one. The Bears are a dangerous team, Mike Martz is working magic he hasn’t worked since his days in St. Louis, and Cutler has come alive like Peter Frampton… Chicago has more going for it than it has since 06. The Bears do not have Clay Matthews however… and this is quite unfortunate for them and Jay Cutler’s bladder control. Green Bay 24-21 and two Clay Matthews sacks closer to seeing an NFL QB die on the field.
My methods may seem questionable at best, and they are, for instance; how does one go so strongly with their heart and their gut over their head and then, suddenly, change that formula for the last pick you might ask. You might. And if you do, please let me know. Until then, you’ll do fine acknowledging my inherent brilliance. Because like I said last week… there is absolutely no way I’m just some small time blogger/crack pot who has no real method to picking games short of making educated guesses. No way at all. -Blake Broussard
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