Shark Week Has Started... Facebook Statuses Told Me So Redundantly

I get that shark week was cool back in the day. You didn't used to get to see that much about sharks. Sharks were kind of elusive like that. Honestly the internet is a hundred times better than shark week year around. Just type in "shark" into youtube and tell me the first 10 videos aren't more entertaining than shark week. I realize that you will feel cool if you put "shark week" into your status though.

This Commercial Reminds Me Of Law & Order SVU

If you ever watch Law & Order SVU, you know exactly what I'm talking about. They just make up crazy shit just to keep unintelligent men and all women interested. So I guess what I'm saying is that if you happen to be an unintelligent man or a woman of any form of intelligence then you'll probably like this gum.

The Rangers Got Pitchers, The Bears Got Our Leftovers, This Picture Has Nothing To Do With Any Of That

Over the weekend:
-The Rangers acquired some Asian guy who is happening to be having a great year thus far:

The Rangers lost fan favorites Chris Davis and Tommy "Big Game" Hunter:

The Rangers got Padres' setup man Mike Adams for some minor leaguers that I've never even heard of.

The Bears picked up Roy Williams, Sam Hurd, and Marion Barber. AWESOME OFFSEASON ADDITIONS BEARS!

Derek Holland tied Cliff Lee for the most complete games this season.

Now Is The Time To Buy Your Cowboy Tickets

From WFAA.com:
DALLAS - Single game tickets go on sale for Dallas Cowboys Friday morning.
It's usually the way fans catch a game without buying season tickets or paying for pricey seat licenses. However, buying right now may be the best way to get in cheap.

Second-hand ticket brokers are finally able to exhale. The NFL lockout grinded sales to a halt at Dallas' Metro Tickets. With weeks before teams take the field, the second-hand market is now flooded with options, driving ticket prices even lower.

"The first pre-season game against Denver and I've got tickets for $59 face value for $5," said Robert Lodes, with Metro Tickets.

Lodes said supply is outweighing demand, and it's not just the pre-season.

Looking online, WFAA found nearly 12,000 seats for sale for the Cowboys' home opener against the Redskins.

More than 11,000 tickets are up for grabs for other home games.

The Cowboys may be selling single-game tickets at face value starting Friday, but right now a little searching can save you money.

"At least five of the 10 games we sell for face price or less," Lodes said.

But think of it like the stock market, you always want to jump in at the bottom because winning has a way of quickly changing all that.

"Price wise, they're at the bottom dollar," Lodes said. "There's no where else to go."

If you like the Cowboys now is the time to buy tickets so that you can go see some home games. If you like money, now is the time to buy tickets so you can hold on to them and sell them for profit.
I like money.

I Want To Go To A Datahowler Show So Bad I Can Taste It

Hard to believe this band is from Fort Worth. Don't think you'll be seeing him at Billy Bob's anytime soon. Actually I looked their next show up, and the only place they play for a while is Brooklyn, New York. Fucking hipsters. They get all the scene. I guess that's fair. They do have to live in Brooklyn.

That would catch a hipster so fast it's not even funny. Must have been a great photographer to be able to snap this shot before it snapped a bony hipster arm like a twig. Then again, you know a hipster took this photo thinking it was super hip.

Download some Datahowler here if ya feel it.

You Can Always Tell The Kids Who Like To Get Fucked Up In Wisdom Teeth Videos

I got my wisdom teeth out already. It sucked. Well everything sucked except for the ride home. That shit was awesome. I feel this Polo wearing kid.

The NFL Is Going Buck Wild Right Now With Trades

Don't expect the Cowboys to make a big splash here. I just don't really see it. On the other hand my Madden dick is tingling. Reggie Bush with the Dolphins might make them my team again. Oh wait I already bought a Detroit Lions hat. Shit.

Green Man Gets Saved By Yellow Man

This video was almost awesome, but I'm pretty sure it was planned by some dickbag that plans these kinds of things at minor league ballparks.
Honestly they had me sold until yellow man saved green man. Poured it on a little to thick for my taste.

I Still Want To Be Tiger Woods

From Tiger's website:
Pretty soon, I'll be moving into my new home in Jupiter, Fla. I'm excited about that and even more excited about my new practice facility. It's phenomenal. Working with my team, I designed the short-game facility and oversaw its construction. It features four greens, six bunkers with different depths and kinds of sand, a video center and a putting studio. If no wind is blowing, the longest club I can hit is a 7-iron. It's also set up so I can hit shots out of my second-story studio.

Yeah Tiger sucks at golf lately, but anyone who has ever played golf knows that you can get in some serious slumps. I doubt he is in a pussy crushing slump though. Anyone who has crushed hardcore pussy knows that it's like riding a bicycle. You don't forget that skill. It just comes natural, and Tiger is one of the best pussy crushers of our generation.
Pussy crusher + best backyard owner = my admiration

This Arlington Chick Will Make You And All Of City Council Extremely Uncomfortable

Environmental activist Kim Feil launched her battle against urban gas drilling last year with a respirator and a rap song.
Dubbed the "white lady environmental rapper," Feil's unconventional attempt to persuade the City Council in May 2010 to vote against a natural gas well site near her Arlington neighborhood included showing how difficult it would be to put respirators on if there was a drilling disaster near a school.
"I had been watching some City Council meetings. I saw people begging not to put a gas well in their area. No one was successful. They were voting everything in," said Feil, a musician and former substitute teacher. "I wanted to let them know I'd go to great lengths to get their attention."
Feil did not succeed in stopping the well, but she has become one of the area's most recognizable opponents of urban drilling in the Barnett Shale, teaming up with fellow activists to talk about the potential health, public safety and environmental risks of drilling.
Sometimes she brings along her respirator-wearing dummy Ben Zene, named after the cancer-causing chemical Feil says the industry is pumping into the air.

Does living next to the natural gas make you bat shit insane? I'd say that's the best argument Kim is giving here. Also, what balls on this lady to name herself the white lady environmental rapper. Eminem thought that he knocked down the barriers of race and rap.

McNabb Traded To Minnesota And Adam Shefter Is Totally Cool For Knowing It.

Just glad that McNabb is out of the NFC East. Not that he's all that great or anything, but he can have a good game every once in a while and I fucking hate losing to him. It's the worst. Almost as bad as losing to Eli. But not really.

 On a different note: is there anything more annoying than Adam Shefter thinking he's the fucking man because he works for ESPN and finds this shit out before normal people? Smug asshole.

Watch Some Interview While A Kid Is Getting Kidnapped In The Background

This kid is getting napped. I feel like the title "Kid Getting Kidnapped" was kind of redundant.

Apparently Turtles Have Mushroom Dicks

Damn turtle. Your dick looks like a mushroom. Talking straight fungi. Either this turtle needs to get that looked at, or turtles just have gross dicks. I'm not saying that any animal has pretty dicks or anything, I'm just saying that on the list of how dicks look, that turtles is at the bottom of the list.

Walmart Is The Shit And These Brits Can Feel The Heat

Feel, feel, feel, feel my heat.



I wanted to post the original video, but because Youtube is a bunch of pussies and has given into every copyright bullshit issue your stuck with these assholes, or the silent version.

I Love Me Some Homeless Bucket Drumming

You know what's better than regular homeless bucket drumming? Homeless baby bucket drumming. Try saying that three times fast:
Homeless baby bucket drumming
Homeless baby bucket drumming
Homeless baby bucket drumming

It's kind of hard isn't it?

Family Portrait Takes Planking Too Far

These parents should be arrested. Straight up.

Add Leonard Davis To The List Of Dropped Cowboys

I feel like this picture says it all, ya know?

Lame Tuberville. Lame.

From ESPN:

DALLAS -- Texas Tech coach Tommy Tuberville said he wants TCU. Just not this season.


"I think that's a natural game. I think we need to play that game," Tuberville said during Tuesday's Big 12 media days. "I think it needs to be a home-and-home game, and I think that it would help both [TCU coach] Gary [Patterson] and us to play each year."


Six months ago, with TCU coming off a Rose Bowl victory and a final No. 2 ranking, Texas Tech, to the dismay of TCU officials, dropped its scheduled Sept. 10 visit to Fort Worth.


The Red Raiders spun it as an inevitable consequence of the new, 10-team Big 12's round-robin schedule. With nine conference games for 2011 instead of eight under the former 12-team format, Texas Tech had to drop one of its four non-conference games. It chose TCU over Texas State, New Mexico and Nevada.


It's the second consecutive season that the Tech-TCU matchup won't happen. The 2010 game in Lubbock was canceled when ESPN requested to televise the Tech-Texas game on the same date. TCU walked away happy because ESPN made up for the bump by scheduling the Frogs' season-opener against Oregon State at Cowboys Stadium.


On Tuesday, Tuberville acknowledged that the caliber of TCU's program might have also played just a wee bit into the decision to drop TCU as opposed to one of the other three non-conference candidates.


"I've been in this business a while," the always straight-shooting Tuberville said. "Obviously, for us, we're going to be a very young team coming in. Gary's [Patterson] done a great job. He's done an excellent job of bringing in players and building depth and building consistency. That's really probably not the type of team we want to play right now."


TCU officials at the time weren't thrilled with Tech's timing, making it difficult to find a quality opponent to fill out the schedule (the Frogs wound up scheduling an ESPN game against newly independent BYU at Cowboys Stadium on Oct 28). They said they'd still like to schedule Tech in the future -- at the earliest likely 2015 -- but it would have to be a home-and-home agreement. A Tech official said the Red Raiders viewed the cancellation as only a delay and not an end to a series.


Tuberville made it official Tuesday. Within a few seasons, Tech and TCU could become an annual rivalry.


Way to have confidence in your team bro. Not ready? You know how many starters TCU lost this year? Like a billion. I guess I'll give it you for being honest. And if I had to go for a winning season and I had to drop TCU, Nevada, Texas State or New Mexico from the schedule I would do the same I guess. Ha. New Mexico. And I do agree the rivalry would be great for both Tech and TCU in the future. Last time Tech came to play TCU in Fort Worth, shit was rowdy. Wish I could say the same for Baylor. Bunch of pussies. And I will also admit, I would be scared to play Tech in the LBK. Shit's not joke. Just ask Texas.

Close The Blinds, 2011 Mavs Dancer Try Out Pics

Haha don't blame me for that last one. They got to let the ugglies try out too. Just blame the Star-Telegram photographer for making this girl think she's got a chance. Ouch. But seriously, that is one hell of a forehead. Not even a 5 head. That's what you call an ironing board. And don't get pissed at me for being insensitive. I had to sift through 257 pictures for you shaboomin bastards. I'm so sensitive to your eyes that I hand picked the best and only made you look at one ugly. Because hey, I care. If you would like to sift through your self, you can go here.

This CVS Security Guard Is Totally Cursed

I couldn't go a whole day without a gratuitous WSHH video could I?

Also I'm sorry for this but I had to:

I Need Kneehockey And I Needed It Yesterday

From some site about stupid stuff:
The Water Soaked Knee Hockey Rink. This is the backyard game that lets two players square-off in a sliding, water-soaked game of knee hockey. Thirty tiny nozzles built into both sides of the rink spray 24″ high fountains of water that saturate the surface and players, ensuring ecstatic slipping and jockeying for control of the oversized plastic puck. Each player is equipped with a soft plastic hockey stick for defending one of two included inflatable 12″ H x 32″ W x 8″ D goals that sit on the grass adjacent to each end of the rink. A garden hose attaches to the rink for continuous water supply. Sturdy PVC construction. Rink 9′ L x 5′ W x 1 1/2″ H. (4 lbs.) Price: $49.95.

Actually now that I think about it I definitely need a test run before I shell out 50 clams. This game could suck balls. Yeah it looks great on paper, but so did the 2010 Cowboys. All I'm saying is I'm not so sure the thing could work. It could have some holes in the secondary or broken collarbones or some shit.

Should The Rangers Give Up On Chris Davis?

I want to like Chris Davis and I want him to work out for the Rangers, but when is enough enough? In a game where the Rangers score 20 runs and the Twins have to bring in position players to pitch, you would like to see some production from Davis. Instead he goes a lousy 0 for 6. Yeah, when he's sent down to the minors his stats sky rocket and he makes great adjustments to his swing, but maybe he's just a great minor league hitter. Everyone else on the roster last night produced at least two hits. Davis fell short again. Is is time to move on? I say it is unless his recent minor league success transfers into major league success, and quick. Prove me wrong CD. Wreck shit tonight. Go 3 for 4 four with two bombs. Then I'll shut the fuck up.

On A Sad Note, The Cowboys Reportedly Are Cutting Marion Barber

We all know it had to happen. Barber only had 374 yards last season and is making 4+ million a year. Do the math. He had to go. It's not always personal, it's a business. While I got all of the satisfaction on writing the post about Roy Williams departing I have nothing but sadness in my heart to see the Barbarian on his way out.

The two things all I will always think of when I think of Barber:
-The run out of the endzone to stop the Patriots from getting a safety. (I was there and it was remarkable)
-His goddamned stupendous piano playing skills.

The Cowboys Are Cutting Roy Williams... Fuck Yeah!

There have been only two Cowboys I ever really hated. Coincidentally they both happened to be named Roy Williams. As far as I am concerned all Roy Williams can go fuck themselves collectively, and that includes North Carolina's white Roy Williams.
Good riddance. Get the fuck off my team. Go fumble the comeback TD somewhere else. Go flail your alligator arms over the middle on one of our divisional rival teams. Go flash your goddamned Longhorns symbol on some other team that might be impressed about your alma mater. Really all I want you to do is not be on my team anymore and Jerry finally admitted it was a stupid fucking trade and dropped your ass. Kind of like your fiance. Damn homie, kill yourself.

Here is a picture of the girl who Roy Williams asked to marry him. This is the guy she started dating a few days after Roy Williams mailed (FUCKING MAILED) his proposal and ring to this chick. This dude is college baseball player for Houston batting .240 and ironically named David Murphy. Getting dumped for a college baseball player with highlights in his hair barely batting over the Mendoza line is definitely not Cowboys material.

The Rangers Scored 20 Runs Last Night... So Here's A Mask Of Casey Anthony You Can Buy On EBAY

I must have this.

World Star Hip Hop Continues To Throw Out The Fucking Jams

As a generation I think we will look back at WSHH as the catalyst in social reform.

This one might be NSFW, I didn't make it past the 1:00 mark so I'm not sure. Just not my cup of tea.

Think Twice Before Slanging Rock Is This Dude's Barber Shop

"You think I'm gonna take a motha fuckin case?" I'd say not after this. Shit that was an ass beating. Not like throwin' bows in the streets ass beating. This is that old man strength type of ass beating. The kind where he tells you why he's beating your ass and that you're going to take it and like it. I would literally bet all of my possessions that this barber has been to jail before. Why else would he be so pissed?

NFL Lockout Officially Over, NBA Lockout Still Looms

Really I just wanted an excuse to post this picture of Dirk with the "Fuck a Lockout" title.

Watch Some Team Mates Black Mamba Troy Polamalu

Like how his face went from joking to almost crying once he realized shit was no joke. Troy shouldn't be too worried though. I hear head and shoulders has his hair insured. Polamolecules and what not.

UPDATE BY CLEGG This video is a fake. It's probably some viral marketing campaign by Head and Shoulders. I got to stay on the Pistol before he turns our readers into gullible idiots.

Polish Spiderman Is My New Hero

What would make this video even better? If he found some planking assholes and spider man silly stringed the shit out of them. I might have to do a copy cat crime in Fort Worth. Just your friendly neighborhood spiderman. Making the world safe for people who despise planksters. And hipsters.

See What Happens When You Plank On A Moving Golf Cart

That's what you get. Planking assholes. Something tells me that this next week or so will have a wave a planking fails. That or leisure dives.

Here's A Highlight Of Lebron James Scoring 33 Points On Some South Central Scrubs

Ok maybe not scrubs, but what the fuck is the Drew League? Sounds pussy. I hope Lebron is on tonight's entourage acting a bitch. Sucking dick for tequila or some shit. Entourage makes no sense.

I Dug Up This Old Footage Of Myself In Little League

Yeah I was balling as shit. Straight district 7 like a motherfucker. Year in and year out. I was boomin the boomstick and laying leather all day on some lil league bitches. That's how I did.

Taste The Rainbow

Easily the funniest part of this video is the guy's face. Classic skittle face.

Amy Winehouse Is Dead Dead Dead

"They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no no no"

Good call on that whole rehab thing.

I've Heard Of This Church

Not really but I wish I had. It seems way more fun than the Sunday mass I'm used to.

This post probably needed a better write up, but I'm being lazy.

The Rest Of The United States Realizes It's Hot

Welcome to my world bastards. This is why my golf game sucks from May to September. Get used to it. I'm tired of the rest of the US bitching with something I have to deal with every summer.

Actually I understand why they are bitching. We are the idiots that made the decision to live here.

FUCK!

ARLINGTON -- Adrian Beltre strained his left hamstring in the fifth inning of the Rangers' 12-2 win against the Blue Jays on Friday while running from first to third on Michael Young's one-out double. He will have an MRI on Saturday.

"I just hope it's not as bad as I felt it was," Beltre said. "We're going to have an MRI tomorrow and find out exactly what it is."

Rangers third-base coach Dave Anderson was waving Beltre home, but about two-thirds of the way to third, Beltre eased up and grabbed his left leg.

Here's The Chick From Modern Family As A Hot Cheerleader

The chick is 20, but I definitely feel dirty posting these pictures. If I was Beiber I'd tell Selena Gomez to go fuck herself. This chick and Beiber would be a motherfucking power couple.

Kevin Durant DOES Have Tattoos

Smart move professionally. Get tatted up where the jersey covers them up. Great for endorsements or running for mayor of Oklahoma City. Both of which I think he could do with showing tattoos, but I get it. What I don't get, being a National's fan. What's the deal KD?

I guess it could be worse. You could be a marlins fan.

Just Your Average Couple Having Sex In A Mini Van While Driving On The Highway

The first time I watched this, I was in class (great idea I know) so I had it on mute and thought, these people are fucking crazy weirdos, just gettin' it in on the 405 in their family mini van not giving a flying fuck. And yeah they are weird, but not as weird as the couple filming it. "No, no, no. It's called safety. I see his... is that is hand or his foot. I wanna get her bouncing." And who knows, maybe these commuters have busy lives. Maybe they both realized that after work, errands, and picking the kids up from soccer practice, that they are way too tired to get busy in the sheets at night. So they improvise. Sex on the highway while commuting. Two birds with one stone right. Doesn't matter that if he gets in a wreck that his dick will snap in half. That or go deeper than a navy seal. Ouch.

Dallas Attorney Has Warrant Out For His Arrest For Killing A 13 Foot Gator

From The Star-Telegram:

Dallas attorney Levi McCathern II is likely not smiling so widely now.


McCathern, 42, a former Baptist minister whose website says he's represented Jerry Jones and the Dallas Cowboys in court, became something of a celebrity in his own right after claiming that he shot a 14-foot, 880-pound alligator on his first reptile hunt June 11.


Photos of him posing next to the beast along the Trinity River in Leon County were flashed on television, carried by newspapers and bounced around the Internet.


Turns out the alligator was actually 13 feet 1 inch and was no record as asserted.


Worse, arrest warrants were issued Wednesday for McCathern and his three guides for illegally hunting the big gator and an 8-footer on private property, Texas Parks and Wildlife Department officials said.


The four were expected to turn themselves in Wednesday at the Leon County Sheriff's Department in Centerville, about 145 miles southeast of Fort Worth, department spokesman Mike Cox said in a news release.


However, McCathern's attorney said that he was out of state on a scheduled family vacation and that the Leon County attorney has been informed. The attorney, George Milner III of Dallas, said his client will fight the charge, saying he understood that the guides had permission to be on the land to hunt.


"I can tell you he will be acquitted," Milner said.


Moreover, McCathern performed a public service, his lawyer asserted.


"As big as this alligator was, they should have given him a medal," Milner said.


One of the guides, Steve Barclay, insisted in a brief telephone interview that the landowner had given his OK.


"We did in fact have permission to kill alligators on that land," Barclay said.

More here.

Gotta dig this guys style. Yeah, I kill 13 foot gators, represent Jerry Jones in court, and skip town to go on vacation when there are warrants out for my arrest. That's what you do when you're a big time badass. Shoot first, go on vacation later. Someone had to take down that tree-shaka, and it damn sure wasn't gonna be Lizabeth (Swamp People reference). And yeah, did you really expect me to have this article presented to me and not mention Swamp People. Impossible.

"Shooot! Shoot da gator in da head!"



"We don't got a tree shaka, we got a tree breaka."

I Have Decided I Am Going To Comic Con Next Year

From MSNBC.com:
Calling all superheroes, zombies, space aliens, comic book lovers and kids of all ages: Comic-Con is here.

The pop culture convention, which annually draws thousands of costumed fans to San Diego, officially began Thursday, although die-hards (and those with weekend-long passes) got a peek at the colorful convention floor Wednesday night

Gigantic movie ads wrapped nearby hotels: The Hard Rock was covered with "Spider-Man" symbols and the Hilton touted "Cowboys & Aliens."

Hundreds of exhibitors and more than 130,000 guests are expected to pack the Convention Center for the sold-out, four-day event.

Girls of Comic Con:

And if your really drunk like I plan on being for Comic Con...

Vs.
Guys at Comic Con:

I could go on and on with hot chicks at Comic Con and extremely nerdy guys at Comic Con, but the main point is that I'm sure it's a place that would be super easy to crush pussy. Yeah, it's probably extremely weird costumed pussy... Well that actually seems preferable to any type of pussy now that I think about. I'm totally going to Comic Con next year. I'll just wear a Polo and Khaki's and feel like James Dean.